This blog was created with good intentions, and I'm finally ready (as I am not scrambling to find a job, nor am I homeless, or running from the cops... thank God.) to explore some of the topics I had in mind in the beginning. I really want to reflect on some of my experiences and piece them together in a way that provides a glimpse into what it's like for me, to be stuck between two very different cultures. And to say that it's only two cultures I associate with is somewhat of an oversimplification. There are so many subcultures and cliques that I can identify with easily, and some that I don't connect with at all. It's in these interwoven associations where I notice that my sense of what's right and wrong becomes more fluid.
Early last week, I noticed I had a unique reaction to a seemingly normal, or insignificant event. I am Korean, I know; I look like it, I can speak the language, and I love the food. But as I walked into a dry cleaners in an upscale neighborhood to drop off a few items, I couldn't tell right away whether the two gentlemen were Korean or Chinese. So I spoke in English...
It was obvious after a few words were exchanged that the man helping me was more interested in striking up a conversation than getting my items checked in. I got the usual "Where are you from?" but slightly modified... "What country are you from?" I could have easily been the smart-ass and answered, "I'm from the United States of America." But I refrained, practiced some self-control, then answered that I am Korean. And guess what, so is he! How about that?? And this is the exact point at which I recognized the utter discomfort building up inside... And it dawned on me that this occurs often.
Immediately my mind starts to...
"Oh no! Is he going to start speaking Korean to me, and ask me what my parents do, what my job is, how old I am, if I live with my parents, and when he learns that I don't, is he going to ask if I live alone and where my parents live at which point he will realize that it's not 'they', but just 'she' and that the 'he' of 'they' isn't in the picture, which will then lead him to ask where 'he' lives and what 'he' does... "and, by the way, where did you go to school?!'"
Eek...
I highly doubt that anything like this happens on a regular basis in Korea. But it sure happens a lot to me in Atlanta. The reason why I share this story is because I know that I don't have to be 4th generation to know how intrusive that feels. I'm sure 2nd generation Korean Americans can relate easily. But my issue is not with him being Korean... it's the underlying vibe I pick up on that is completely different from the American person's vibe that some local people possess.
The difference is, when a Korean person is randomly asking a series of personal questions, it feels like I'm being sized up, or that I'm being shoved into some kind of hierarchy; whereas, a conversation with an American woman I had the other day while waiting for our cars to be washed was wonderfully pleasant--breezing through topics like acupuncture, the growing Asian population in Atlanta, my art, some interesting shopping experiences, and I even shared a lot of the same personal information mentioned above.
There is a clear difference in attitude and communication styles when one is of a conformist mindset, rather than an advocate of individuality. I'm sure a sociologist could explain how a culture's social tendencies develop, but I'm not an expert in sociology (please take what I say with a grain of salt... or a splash of soy sauce! Ha!). Consequently, the frustration builds when I'm confronted by someone (anyone--Korean or not) who expects me to conform based on my ethnicity...
I don't want to conform...
I guess I'll just have to keep fighting for and celebrating Individuality.
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